Blended Families and Snowflakes: Each One is Unique

Blended families are becoming increasingly common in today's society, and as a marriage and family therapist, I see firsthand the unique challenges these families face. I am sharing my expertise on navigating the complexities of stepfamily dynamics, drawing from both my professional knowledge and personal experience as a stepmother.

Every Blended Family is Different

Understanding the basic structure of blended families is essential, but what makes them truly complex is that each one is entirely unique – like snowflakes, as I like to describe them. The configuration can vary widely based on factors such as how many previous marriages each partner has had, the ages and personalities of the children involved, and the custody arrangements that determine when children move between households. This complexity often creates a situation where there are few established norms or guidelines for how blended families should function and develop over time.

What Are The Challenges of Blended Families?

Unlike traditional family development where couples typically date, marry, and then have children together, blended families skip several developmental stages and jump right into complex family dynamics. This shortcut can create significant challenges as everyone adjusts to new roles, relationships, and household structures. One of the biggest issues that blended families face revolves around parenting. While couples may share similar values about how children should be raised, the implementation of those values can look very different in practice, especially when influenced by previous parenting styles and experiences.

The "fantasy stage" is one of the first developmental stages that Patricia Papernow identified in her seven-stage model of stepfamily development. During this phase, couples often believe that because they love each other, their children will naturally love each other too. This optimistic outlook usually involves fun activities and positive interactions, but it doesn't account for the reality that will set in when everyday family life begins. The subsequent "immersion stage" brings a wake-up call as families face the day-to-day challenges of blending different rules, routines, and relationships.

Research suggests that blended families often take years to fully gel – sometimes as many years as the age of the oldest child. This means that for a family with a 10-year-old, it might take an additional 10 years before the family feels truly cohesive and stable. This long adjustment period contributes to the higher divorce rate for second marriages (approximately 65% compared to 42-50% for first marriages), as couples who have already experienced divorce may be less willing to endure prolonged periods of difficulty.

There's More To The Blended Family

For those in the early stages of blending families, it's important to remember that how you talk about your ex-partner to your new partner can significantly impact future co-parenting relationships. When sharing reasons for your previous relationship's end, focus on lessons learned rather than villainizing your ex. This approach helps set the stage for more constructive co-parenting relationships, which ultimately benefits everyone involved, especially the children.

Children in blended families often feel powerless during major life transitions. They typically don't have a choice about their parents' divorce, remarriage, or changes in living situations. Giving children age-appropriate choices and providing regular opportunities to express their feelings through family meetings can help them feel more secure and involved. While they shouldn't make major family decisions, allowing them to choose things like their room color or certain activities can provide a sense of control during uncertain times.

Blended Families Don't Have To Do It Alone

Finally, don't hesitate to seek professional help when navigating the challenges of blended family life. Today's mental health professionals have extensive experience working with stepfamilies and can provide tailored guidance for your unique situation. A therapist can help identify specific challenges in your family configuration, improve communication between all family members, and highlight the strengths and benefits that your blended family brings to everyone's lives.

Do you want additional resources on blended families?

• Read more about Patricia Papernow's Seven Stage Model of Stepfamily Development.

• Listen to Season 1, Episode 9 of my podcast, The Coupled Podcast, as we discuss the unique experiences and challenges of blended families.

About the Author

Dr. Nari Jeter is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Tallahassee, Florida. She specializes in working with couples across a range of relationship stages, including premarital preparation, marriage, infidelity, divorce, and remarriage. With a deep passion for helping people build strong, healthy connections, she has partnered with her friend and colleague, Dr. Jenna Scott, to expand access to meaningful resources for couples. Together, they co-host The Coupled Podcast and offer convenient, affordable online relationship courses.