Your Childhood Family Relationships Are Showing Up In Your Marriage, Whether You Realize It Or Not.

Family of origin issues are among the most common challenges couples face in marriage. The families we grew up in shape our beliefs, behaviors, values, and approach to relationships in profound ways that inevitably influence our marriages—often without us even realizing it.

We have two very different but meaningful families in our lifetime. The family you come from is your "family of origin," while the family you create with your partner is your "family of procreation." When two people marry (family of procreation), they bring their entire family of origin with them, including communication styles, conflict resolution strategies, and expectations about how relationships should function. What happens when these two worlds collide? Often, friction arises precisely because partners have different backgrounds and expectations.

Many couples notice these differences early on. One partner might come from a family that's loud and direct, while the other was raised in a quieter household where conflict was avoided. One partner may have grown up spending entire days out shopping and socializing, while the other partner grew up in a "homebody" type of family. These differences could be interpreted as a deficit--"What is wrong with your family???" rather than a different but equally valid way of living.

There are several common family of origin issues that emerge in marriages. Boundary problems are particularly prevalent, especially when one spouse has an enmeshed relationship with their parents. In these cases, the parent remains the primary person in their life even after marriage, creating loyalty conflicts when the other spouse expects to be prioritized. This can manifest in situations where plans are made with extended family without consulting the spouse or where parents remain overly involved in decision-making.

Unresolved childhood trauma also frequently appears in marriages. Even if you no longer speak to your family, these wounds continue to affect your relationship patterns. For example, if your emotional reaction to conflict or an issue in your marriage seems disproportionate to a situation, it often stems from historical experiences. These past hurts require healing not just for your own well-being but for the health of your marriage.

Different family values and traditions create another layer of complexity. From when to open birthday presents to how elaborately to celebrate holidays, these differences may seem small but can trigger significant conflicts. The introduction of children often magnifies these issues, as grandparents may have strong opinions about parenting choices that differ from how they raised their own children.

Want some practical advice for navigating these challenges? Start with prioritizing the marriage relationship. This doesn't mean abandoning your family of origin but rather establishing that your primary loyalty lies with your spouse. Open communication about family dynamics, agreeing on approaches to potential conflicts, and proactively discussing boundaries before family gatherings are essential strategies.

Another valuable tip is for each partner to take responsibility for setting boundaries with their own family members rather than expecting their spouse to do so. Using "we" language when communicating these boundaries presents a unified front. And importantly, boundaries can be flexible and revisited at different life stages—what works during the early years of marriage might need adjustment when children arrive or as they grow older.

By understanding how our family histories influence our present relationships, couples can work together to create a marriage that honors both their pasts while establishing healthy patterns for their future together.

Needing additional resources on how to manage your two families?

• Read more about healthy boundary setting with family in books by Nedra Glover Tawwab's Set Boundaries, Find Peace and Drama Free.

• Listen to Season 1, Episode 10 of my podcast, The Coupled Podcast, as we discuss how to navigate your families of origin and procreation in healthy ways.

About the Author

Dr. Nari Jeter is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Tallahassee, Florida. She specializes in working with couples across a range of relationship stages, including premarital preparation, marriage, infidelity, divorce, and remarriage. With a deep passion for helping people build strong, healthy connections, she has partnered with her friend and colleague, Dr. Jenna Scott, to expand access to meaningful resources for couples. Together, they co-host The Coupled Podcast and offer convenient, affordable online relationship courses.