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Sexless Marriages: What’s Really Going On?



There are a growing number of couples—and sometimes individuals—coming into sessions and quietly expressing something that’s been weighing on them: “We’re in a sexless marriage.” Or, they tell us that sex is so infrequent, it's starting to feel like an afterthought in their relationship. A relationship with all the household responsibilities and no sex, is what most clients and therapists will call, the roommate relationship.


If this resonates with you, I want you to know—this is a nonjudgmental space. Relationships and marriages are beautifully complex, and sex is just one piece of that puzzle. But it’s a piece that can carry a lot of emotional weight, and we want to explore some of the nuances that might be at play.


What’s “Normal” Anyway?

Let’s start with this: There is no universal “right” amount of sex. Some couples thrive with sex once a week. Others feel deeply connected with sex every few months. What matters most is whether both partners feel satisfied and connected—physically and emotionally. My role as a therapist isn’t to prescribe frequency—it’s to help you figure out what works for your relationship. Often times, I will let couples know a target goal I have for them based upon the phase of life, especially if they have any children. My hope is that couples have sex in a frequent and satsifying enough manner that they still fill connected to each other.


Why Do Sexless Marriages Happen?

There’s no single cause, but here are a few themes we see come up often:

  • Loss of Fun and Intimacy: Life gets busy. Over time, playfulness and emotional closeness can fade, and resentment may quietly settle in. What shows up as “no sex” might actually be unspoken hurt, disconnection, or irritability bubbling beneath the surface. Remember, foreplay for sex starts outside of the bedroom.

  • After Infidelity: Rebuilding trust takes time. Some partners pull back sexually because they no longer feel emotionally safe. Others may lean into sex as a way to reestablish closeness—or “mark their territory.” There’s no one-size-fits-all response to betrayal.

  • Which Comes First—Sex or Intimacy? For some, emotional closeness is the gateway to sexual connection (what we usually see with women). For others, sex is what creates that emotional bond (what we typically see with men). If you and your partner are mismatched here, it can lead to misunderstanding or frustration.

  • Busy Lives: Between careers, travel, and constantly moving to-do lists, sex often becomes something we think we can “just do tomorrow.” But if tomorrow keeps getting postponed, weeks—or months—can pass. That's why it's not a bad idea to schedule sex--to prioritize it and have something to look forward to!

  • Parenting & Prioritizing Kids: Ironically, the thing that brings many of us to parenthood—sex—can become sidelined once we have children. Exhaustion, stress, and the endless demands of parenting can dim desire. This doesn't make you a bad partner or parent. But it does mean you may need to be intentional about reconnecting. Again, this is where scheduling sex could be critical!


Sexual Desire Discrepancy

One of the most common dynamics we see is a difference in sexual desire. It’s normal—one partner wants more sex, the other less. But without open communication, this can breed resentment, insecurity, or pressure on both sides.


What Can Lower Desire?

There are many factors that can impact sexual desire, including:

  • Ongoing relationship issues

  • Body image struggles

  • Stress, anxiety, depression

  • Certain medications

  • Hormonal shifts (postpartum, menopause, aging)

  • A history of trauma

  • Cultural or religious beliefs around sex

  • Medical concerns or chronic pain

Understanding the “why” behind low desire is crucial. It’s not about blame—it’s about awareness and compassion.


So What Can You Do?

Talk about it. So many people would rather silently suffer, or even seek connection elsewhere, than have a vulnerable conversation about sex. But open, honest dialogue—while uncomfortable at first—is often where healing begins.

Here are a few tips:

  • Start with curiosity, not criticism.

  • Talk about what’s missing, not just what’s wrong.

  • Validate your partner’s experience, even if it’s different from your own.

  • Consider working with a couples therapist or sex therapist.


Sexless or low-sex relationships aren’t doomed. They’re usually a signal that something deeper needs attention. With compassion, communication, and a willingness to explore what’s going on beneath the surface, couples can reconnect—not just sexually, but emotionally and intimately, too.

You deserve a relationship that feels connected—whatever that looks like for you.


Needing additional resources on how to manage your two families?

About the Author

Dr. Nari Jeter is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Tallahassee, Florida. She specializes in working with couples across a range of relationship stages, including premarital preparation, marriage, infidelity, divorce, and remarriage. With a deep passion for helping people build strong, healthy connections, she has partnered with her friend and colleague, Dr. Jenna Scott, to expand access to meaningful resources for couples. Together, they co-host The Coupled Podcast and offer convenient, affordable online relationship courses.


 
 
 

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