What I’ve Learned About Infidelity (That Changed the Way I See Relationships)
- Nari Jeter
- Apr 8
- 3 min read
Working with couples after an affair has completely challenged some of my own beliefs about relationships. Like a lot of people, I used to assume infidelity happened in “bad” relationships — couples who were disconnected, miserable, or clearly on the brink of a breakup. But the more I’ve sat with couples in the aftermath of betrayal, the more I’ve realized: It’s not that simple.
Infidelity Can Happen in Happy Relationships
This surprises a lot of people — and it surprised me too at first. But yes, even couples who love each other deeply can experience infidelity. Affairs don’t always signal the absence of love; sometimes they reflect the absence of something else — attention, emotional connection, novelty, or even a sense of self.
When Are Couples Most Vulnerable to Affairs?
There are certain life stages where people seem more susceptible to cheating. In my work, I’ve seen affairs happen most often:
During pregnancy
Postpartum
While raising young children
Why? These are seasons where couples are exhausted, disconnected, and operating in survival mode. Intimacy takes a backseat. Communication is strained. And people start to feel unseen.
Why Do People Cheat?
There isn’t one answer. But here are some of the common reasons I’ve seen come up in therapy:
They want to leave the relationship but don’t know how.
There’s dysfunction in the marriage — lack of attention, sex, or emotional connection.
Attachment wounds from childhood.
Struggles with sex addiction.
Infidelity was modeled in their family of origin.
They’re seeking affirmation or struggling with self-esteem.
And then there’s curiosity. Sometimes people have only ever been with one partner for decades. The affair becomes less about the other person and more about self-discovery — tapping into parts of themselves they’ve buried or never explored.
Interestingly, I’ve also worked with people who’ve always done the “right thing” — they’re responsible, devoted, loyal — until they suddenly find themselves in a risky, impulsive situation they never thought possible.
Affairs Are Hard to End
We often think affairs are easy to walk away from — but that’s not what I’ve seen. Many people want to end the affair but feel stuck. It becomes complicated emotionally, even addictive at times.
That’s why Nari and I also work with individuals who come to therapy because they’re in the middle of an affair and don’t know how to get out.
Do People Actually End Up With Their Affair Partner?
Rarely.
Research by Dr. Kathy Nickerson suggests that only 5-7% of affairs result in marriage — and of those, 75% end in divorce. If you do the math, that means less than 2% of affairs turn into lasting marriages.
In other words, the fantasy rarely becomes reality.
And Yes — Women Cheat Too
It’s worth saying out loud: Women cheat too. And interestingly, some research suggests women may be more likely to “get away with it” because of differences in how infidelity is detected or disclosed.
How To Protect Your Relationship From Infidelity
Affairs don’t happen overnight. And while no relationship is completely affair-proof, there are things couples can do to protect their connection and stay close:
Talk openly about what you both consider cheating — be specific.
Normalize curiosity and attraction to others — secrecy creates shame.
Regularly check in about your friendship, romance, and sex life — not just when things are bad.
Infidelity is complicated. It challenges our assumptions about love, loyalty, and human behavior. But with open communication, emotional safety, and curiosity about each other — couples can navigate even the hardest conversations and come out stronger.
Needing additional resources on infidelity?
Read more about infidelity and betrayal in relationships with Esther Perel's State of Affairs.
Listen to Season 1, Episodes 4 and 5 of my podcast, The Coupled Podcast, as we take a deep dive into why couples experience infidelity and how to have challenging conversations on this topic.
About the Author
Dr. Nari Jeter is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Tallahassee, Florida. She specializes in working with couples across a range of relationship stages, including premarital preparation, marriage, infidelity, divorce, and remarriage. With a deep passion for helping people build strong, healthy connections, she has partnered with her friend and colleague, Dr. Jenna Scott, to expand access to meaningful resources for couples. Together, they co-host The Coupled Podcast and offer convenient, affordable online relationship courses.
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